Monday, March 10, 2008

I apologize

Allot of my posts took allot of time to come up, after a visit to Darat Alfunun " Art now in Lebanon exhibit" yesterday and on Saturday. I came back with a load on my chest, loaded with apologies. Rabih Mrouh, totally inspired me, with his amazing recording. Which will only keep me tuned waiting for his coming performance, "stop me from Smoking". I left the exhibit, with a poster for the bullet which was the first photo Akram Zaatari took, it's now hanged over my bed. And allot of thoughts, pain, questions and apologies. Out of no plan I took a paper and kept writing endlessly my apologies which I would like to post openly on this blog. Endless apologies existed within me which I never thought of until that moment I started writing them. I wonder if having the bullet facing me while I'm in bed, combind with an inspiration from Rabih's video confession. Resulted in allot of apologies I feel like making.
I apologize for cursing the PMI for their bad managerial skills, slow application processing and yet try to pursue their PMP degree. I apologize for reminding people of their dreams and yet ignore my own. I apologize for acting that I believe prioritizing is the key, and doing the opposite. I apologize for studying to get my MBA while believing it might add nothing more than the certificate which I will get. I apologize for talking about my management information systems degree & what it's about, while believing it wasn't key in who I am. I apologize for having so much written in CV which says nothing about who I am. I apologize for hating those who taught me the biggest lesson of my life. I apologize for acting busy when I knew I have space to help. I apologize for expecting from others what I wouldn't do myself to them. I apologize for loosing my passion for my job, and still keep it. I apologize for ignoring people who loved me, only coz I thought I don't like them. I apologize for working in something without knowing much about it. I apologize for excluding you from my friends list, for no reason. I apologize for leaving my Clay art work long enough for it to get lost at the place I bake it, and afterwards blaming others for losing it and losing my motivation to do any art afterwards. I apologize for blaming others on my mistakes. I apologize for waiting for people to change the world while I watch. I apologize for saying the word 3aib. I apologize for criticizing things I believe in, just to go with the flow of a conversation and not clash. I apologize for compromising my thoughts for the acceptance of others. I apologize for letting people fall in love with me while I never really loved them but wanted a relation. I apologize for ignoring to draw. I apologize for ignoring the most precious things in me and my life. I apologize for not watching the news or reading the newspaper, to keep myself in denial . I apologize for talking about values that I don’t possess. I apologize for saying I love you, while I wasn't still sure of my feelings . I apologize for being paid my end of month salary from an American institute, and yet keep fighting the Americans all through my lectures at Univ and encouraging every person I meet to watch the Zeitgiest. I apologize for not reading many of the books I receive as presents, and say I don’t have the time though I do. I apologize for not appreciating the blessings that I have. I apologize I criticized you. I apologize for not crying when I felt like crying since it wasn't appropriate & felt too sensitive of me. I apologize for not screaming when I felt like it, but it was not accepted . I apologize for not telling you that you are a liar in your face. I apologize for not telling you I don’t trust you, face to face. I apologize for learning to loose my honesty to adapt. I apologize for the systems I try to create and limit others in. I apologize for arguing for the sake of argument sometimes. I apologize for falling in love with someone in a relation. I apologize for punishing & blaming myself when I follow my desires. I apologize for judging people under first impression. I apologize for hating technology and yet study MIS and spend all day with my laptop, phone , and other technologies. I apologize for not respecting my own opinion. I apologize for believing I can change the world and not do anything about it. I apologize for only calling you when I'm bored. I apologize for taking you/ my sister for granted. I apologize for trying to convince you of my opinion. I apologize for taking long baths & consume so much water in a country of scarce water resource.I apologize for teaching kids how to think in sequence while I believe their randomness is where their true blessing and creativity lies. I apologize I wasted the time teaching them and not learning from them. I apologize for teaching children art while I believe it can't be taught. I apologize for helping them do their homework in my way, instead of learning their way. I apologize for so many contradictions I'm living in. I apologize for underestimating other people's abilities. I apologize for analyzing how think or act while I know nothing of the life they lived or what they passed through. I apologize for criticizing art, a form of expression . I apologize for wearing what other people expect me to wear, when its not me. I apologize for using words I don’t understand, only since I know it might appeal to others or sound rich. I apologize for not dancing in the streets when I was that happy. I apologize for showing you that we have a common interest, when I believe we didn’t, never will. I apologize for talking about money as if it's the most important thing, when it really isn't. I apologize for trying to change other's opinion. I apologize for reminding you of apologies you feel like doing .I apologize for talking about forgiveness and finding it hard to forgive myself.

5 comments:

Doomish said...

A brave post indeed.

Deena said...

wow.... i seriously have nothing to say that will add value to what u wrote ...

it is amazing how so many of us, in very different jobs and locations, have the same things to appologise for ....

u truly r an inspiration...you keep on proving it everyday ...

Anonymous said...

You never cease to amaze me. This is a remarkably beautiful piece. Apologies accepted... but only if you never repeat what it is you are apologizing for. That means you promise: to choose either to curse the PMI or to pursue their PMP degree; to no longer ignore your own dreams; to quit believing prioritizing is the key; to study for the MBA because it adds more than the certificate which you will get; to never talk about your management information systems degree since its key in destroying who you are; to throw away your CV and let you show who you are; to love unconditionally those who taught you the biggest lesson of your life; to always give space to help; to do to others far more than what you expect from them; to find a new job you truly have a passion for; to never ignore people who love you; to not work in something without believing in it; to always have a good reason for excluding me from your friends list; to go back to your Clay art work and only blame yourself for losing your pieces; to rekindle your motivation to do art hence forward; to forgive yourself for your mistakes; to change the world while people watch; to always say the words “kulluh khair”; to fighting for the things you believe in, especially when it goes against the flow of a conversation and creates clashes; to assert your thoughts even at the expense of acceptance by others; to let people fall in love with you and to love them back without wanting a relation; to immerse yourself in drawing; to embrace the most precious things in you and your life; to never watch the news or read the newspaper so that you won’t lose hope; to talk about values you don’t want to possess; to say I love you always since one is never sure of their feelings; to stop being paid from an American institute, and to keep fighting the Americans all through your lectures at Univ and give every person you meet the Zeitgiest to watch; to read only the books that interest you from those you receive as presents, and say I don’t care to the rest; to appreciate the blessings that you have; to never criticize me; to always cry when you feel like crying since it is the most humanly appropriate and sensitive thing of you; to scream when you feel like it, especially when it is not accepted; to tell me that I am a liar in my face; to tell me you don’t trust me, face to face; to unlearn to lose your honesty to adapt; to destroy the systems you try to create for yourself and others; to argue for the sake of passion; to fall in love always regardless of any relations; to celebrate and congratulate yourself when you follow your desires; to appreciate people regardless of first impression; to hate technology and not study MIS and to spend all day without your laptop, phone , and other technologies; to sacrifice yourself for your own opinion; to believe you can change the world and dedicate your life to it; to call me always especially when you are bored; to take your sisters endless love for granted; to try harder to convince me of your opinion; to take long walks & dream so much in a country of scarce dreams; to teach randomness is where true blessing and creativity lies; to spend endless hours learning from children and not teaching them; to share with children art since it can't be taught; to abolish homework and encourage learning their way; to rely on your heart to guide you thru the many contradictions you are living in; to overestimate other people's abilities; to appreciate how others think or act while knowing nothing of the life they lived or what they passed through; to create art, a form of expression; to wear exactly what you want to wear; to better acquaint yourself with words you don’t understand, since language is the key to wonders and riches; to dance anywhere when you are happy; to find with me a common interest and believe it exists; to talk about money as if it's the least important thing; to always share your opinion; to remind me of how you accept me exactly the way I am and that I needn’t apologize for anything; to always talk about forgiveness and to start with yourself; to never feel the need to apologize after this day since it is your heart that is guiding you  …. A lot of promises to keep for sure….but if ever there was a person who was good at keeping promises… it is you... Much Love

mapless said...

Thx everyone, as much as writing this post was an emotional experience, and a milestone in my life. Reading anonymous (i prefer seeing nickname or name) was another emotional experience. Not sure if i'm willing to promise not to apologize again... Hence promise not to make mistakes.... :) But i promise to notice when my mind drifts apart from my heart... and be careful to bring it back....

Anonymous said...

Dearest Mapless, what has become of you... are you keeping your promises or has your mind drifted apart from your heart...you have been terribly quite lately. The quieter you are the more intensely you are missed. Come back and fill our voids with your passions. Much love always.