Sho'3l Kteer 3al fady

Sho'3l Kteer 3al fady
Originally uploaded by mais_irqsusi

Turning Seasons Within!!

Saify Shatwy post2
Originally uploaded by mais_irqsusi

I apologize

Allot of my posts took allot of time to come up, after a visit to Darat Alfunun " Art now in Lebanon exhibit" yesterday and on Saturday. I came back with a load on my chest, loaded with apologies. Rabih Mrouh, totally inspired me, with his amazing recording. Which will only keep me tuned waiting for his coming performance, "stop me from Smoking". I left the exhibit, with a poster for the bullet which was the first photo Akram Zaatari took, it's now hanged over my bed. And allot of thoughts, pain, questions and apologies. Out of no plan I took a paper and kept writing endlessly my apologies which I would like to post openly on this blog. Endless apologies existed within me which I never thought of until that moment I started writing them. I wonder if having the bullet facing me while I'm in bed, combind with an inspiration from Rabih's video confession. Resulted in allot of apologies I feel like making.
I apologize for cursing the PMI for their bad managerial skills, slow application processing and yet try to pursue their PMP degree. I apologize for reminding people of their dreams and yet ignore my own. I apologize for acting that I believe prioritizing is the key, and doing the opposite. I apologize for studying to get my MBA while believing it might add nothing more than the certificate which I will get. I apologize for talking about my management information systems degree & what it's about, while believing it wasn't key in who I am. I apologize for having so much written in CV which says nothing about who I am. I apologize for hating those who taught me the biggest lesson of my life. I apologize for acting busy when I knew I have space to help. I apologize for expecting from others what I wouldn't do myself to them. I apologize for loosing my passion for my job, and still keep it. I apologize for ignoring people who loved me, only coz I thought I don't like them. I apologize for working in something without knowing much about it. I apologize for excluding you from my friends list, for no reason. I apologize for leaving my Clay art work long enough for it to get lost at the place I bake it, and afterwards blaming others for losing it and losing my motivation to do any art afterwards. I apologize for blaming others on my mistakes. I apologize for waiting for people to change the world while I watch. I apologize for saying the word 3aib. I apologize for criticizing things I believe in, just to go with the flow of a conversation and not clash. I apologize for compromising my thoughts for the acceptance of others. I apologize for letting people fall in love with me while I never really loved them but wanted a relation. I apologize for ignoring to draw. I apologize for ignoring the most precious things in me and my life. I apologize for not watching the news or reading the newspaper, to keep myself in denial . I apologize for talking about values that I don’t possess. I apologize for saying I love you, while I wasn't still sure of my feelings . I apologize for being paid my end of month salary from an American institute, and yet keep fighting the Americans all through my lectures at Univ and encouraging every person I meet to watch the Zeitgiest. I apologize for not reading many of the books I receive as presents, and say I don’t have the time though I do. I apologize for not appreciating the blessings that I have. I apologize I criticized you. I apologize for not crying when I felt like crying since it wasn't appropriate & felt too sensitive of me. I apologize for not screaming when I felt like it, but it was not accepted . I apologize for not telling you that you are a liar in your face. I apologize for not telling you I don’t trust you, face to face. I apologize for learning to loose my honesty to adapt. I apologize for the systems I try to create and limit others in. I apologize for arguing for the sake of argument sometimes. I apologize for falling in love with someone in a relation. I apologize for punishing & blaming myself when I follow my desires. I apologize for judging people under first impression. I apologize for hating technology and yet study MIS and spend all day with my laptop, phone , and other technologies. I apologize for not respecting my own opinion. I apologize for believing I can change the world and not do anything about it. I apologize for only calling you when I'm bored. I apologize for taking you/ my sister for granted. I apologize for trying to convince you of my opinion. I apologize for taking long baths & consume so much water in a country of scarce water resource.I apologize for teaching kids how to think in sequence while I believe their randomness is where their true blessing and creativity lies. I apologize I wasted the time teaching them and not learning from them. I apologize for teaching children art while I believe it can't be taught. I apologize for helping them do their homework in my way, instead of learning their way. I apologize for so many contradictions I'm living in. I apologize for underestimating other people's abilities. I apologize for analyzing how think or act while I know nothing of the life they lived or what they passed through. I apologize for criticizing art, a form of expression . I apologize for wearing what other people expect me to wear, when its not me. I apologize for using words I don’t understand, only since I know it might appeal to others or sound rich. I apologize for not dancing in the streets when I was that happy. I apologize for showing you that we have a common interest, when I believe we didn’t, never will. I apologize for talking about money as if it's the most important thing, when it really isn't. I apologize for trying to change other's opinion. I apologize for reminding you of apologies you feel like doing .I apologize for talking about forgiveness and finding it hard to forgive myself.

A new Mapless Star :)

Some years ago, when I was graduating from School. we all decided to write our dreams on papers attach to balloons and make the balloons fly. I remember thinking for long and not being able to count my dreams nor accuratly know them. thus I wrote " Reaching the stars with an open heart of loving and Giving!!"' That was and still is my ever lasting dream. The stars for me resemble a whole world of dreams, ambitions, art , and a childhood game! . And they are always mapless, whatever we seek, has no destination or physical existence, its all in our brain and heart! Its mapless! It might seem lost for others, but for us its there and its so existential as if its the most real thing on earth, no matter how far that star is!!
What's so inspirational for me, is that finding what your real stars is, is actually a true bless. Few days ago I wake up thinking of how much I need a more challenging Job, a more inspirational career. Having that hard way of seeking the star was actually what made me feel blessed in my work for long. feeling challenged to accomplish the task. Learning something new, thinking throughout differently. Today I realize, i'm trying to hard outside my career in order to feel i'm contributing to the society, thinking, researching or learning something new. and often times i'm suffering to get my job done, not because its challenging but because i'm not inspired. I totally lost motivation!!!
But there is a greater motivation within me, looking for the change and for a new opportunity that will make me feel that my energy is utilized and not wasted!!!
I see this star very clearly, not sure of its destination, since it's still mapless! but i'm sure very soon i'll be able to catch it, just like i did with many other stars!!!

Would you rather be normal or an extremist?

Dear reader, if at any part of the post you didn’t get it, you're not slow or stupid. I'm just insane. So pick a normal post .
I just hanged up the phone with Rula. Long conversation, since she's still not blogging whenever I quote from her I will put ® :) so we had this long heated argument, which I would like to put into writing. Would you rather be neutral (normal, common, go with the flow, ordinary) and happy OR be you, different (unique character, extremist, opinionated on certain issues…etc) and not enjoy this "normal" life and not be happy always. Coz apparently you might not belong. If on a Monday evening I went out to have a cozy dinner with one or two of my close friends with my curls, and tennis shoes and jeans( which I usually do) instead of on Thursday night taking an appointment at the hairdresser STRAGHTEN my hair, put on the high heels and scratch some make up on my face(until this part sometimes I do !!) then fake a smile and go meet a group, half of I don’t really get along with well, or relate to, the other half are nice to me so I'm here as compliment to them though they might not be happy with my presence. Choosing the first , I will be out of this world- an extremist!
Rula says you can't be a real unique producer , unless you are an extremist® , but would you really rather be a producer, change the world, do something unique? Or would you rather get the majorities acceptance? I believe there's no shift back, there's no such thing as being normal and happy after you being an extremist. Coz I don’t believe you would enjoy going with the flow and imitating others after you have felt how it feels to be yourself. A whole unique identity, which rather have tea on the couch with Rula than go clubbing on a Thursday even if that's the trend!!
I am always changeable ® I literally brought my new note book which Rula doesn’t believe is artistic (though I thought it is) and quoted her while she was talking on the phone!! Can you imagine, architects can be that inspiring :)
She is not only accepting others diversity which is relatively normal, she is accepting her own transformations and changes. She is adaptive ® but could she adapt to normality? For how long?
If tastes are changeable, probably values are as well, but it takes much longer to change those.
Can someone be an extremist when it comes to work, or talent, and in social life be a normal person. What's normal? What's sane?
aren't the Neutral category keen to find their real core and become the extremists too, aren't they normal coz they probably can't be different?!
Why is it more normal for me to go out with fake straightened hair, than to go out with my wild natural curls? This question can be reformed on all the questions that relates to life, my hair is just the closest example. The same statement is true for everything, natural instincts are considered wild and insane while faked coldness is actually what's accepted!!!
Please note: I'm not judging anyone here, I'm just thinking out loud!

Hakaya

She enters a tree room, where the energy is so full of questions, concerns and rich content. Lost between big words and high values, she questions her knowledge, beliefs and ideas. And here she goes, a great inspiration by Munir Fasheh, he suggests the value of stories in creating, inheriting, learning and remembering knowledge. A concept that totally attracts her. In a room lit by the view of the old city and the enlightenment of the audience. She decides to start posting her stories. And here she is While searching for the missing content found what could be missing from her journey's documentation, Hakaya as Munir says. While thinking of the idea, endless flashbacks started bombing in her little head, stories that probably formed her as a person, some added to her characteristics and others which could have helped in not emerging certain traits ; childhood stories, inspirational occasions, and love stories. She suddenly finds out she has endless stories to talk about. Being a person who is always in love, with someone, some place or idea. She has endless love stories to speak of….....

Mornings....... Days...

While waking up in the morning is the toughest part for me. I'm finally awake with enough coffee in my system. I do mornings only when they are customized for me. The first 2 hours of waking up I prefer complete silence, and I don’t usually speak any word except good morning. The only sound I can bare in the morning is the sound of the coffee machine, coz I need it. but at the end of the day, I live with early risers, my parents wake up around 5 or 6, so by the time its 9 (my wake up time) they had all the silence they needed and are ready to discuss politics!! Some of my work colleagues are early risers too, and they can easily start a hot work conversation call as early as 8:30 or 9!! Which I usually miss and call back when I'm capable of talking, unless it’s a sensitive phase of work with urgent news. Actually sometimes I feel they do this intentionally since I'm so peaceful in the morning and things can go as they wish when I'm that sleepy and barely saying anything other than yes, ok, we'll see, I'll call you later. And whenever I'm asked if I'm sleeping, I always deny it!! No I'm not go ahead!!
It's been such a long week already, though the week hasn't started yet! Often times you feel ready to end your week on a Monday. Today is one of those days. I don’t mind getting a weekend tomorrow. My last Friday and Saturday together weren't a package I could name weekend! But at the end of the day, who cares what I count them, as far as those of authority already counted them as weekends! Every day of the week has special rituals. Friday is the lazy day, I hardly move my body, I spend it sleeping, barely reading, barely watching TV. And Saturday is the day of service and overbooking myself. Whoever wants to see me or needs my help in anything, I say Saturday I'm free. Off course, from over booking Saturday I end up with 4 or 5 promises. one of which the person forgets to start with, 2 contradicts each other in timing so I end up doing 2 things or 3 and spend the day in the roads driving from place to place. The day ends while I'm literally exhausted, and 2 people are mad for not seeing me or me not being able to do what they wished like going shopping with them or spending time with them ( this usually includes my mother as one of them). So end of Saturday while I'm on bed, ready to sleep and end a LOOONNGG day, I go over my day in my mind, and I feel that at the end of the day I haven't' pleased anyone as much as they wanted, and yet I have not done anything special for my own self through the day! So I promise Mais to do something special next Saturday for myself. Like Go for a walk with one of my friends in a neighborhood I like, since for me there exists something very special about sharing a walk with someone! It’s incredible how countless are the things you can know about one person from just a walk! What they notice, what they don’t! Does the environment around them and elements they see triggers them to criticize or laugh! Are they hard or easy to please! Or I promise myself to go to the spa or something. Being someone who can hardly break a promise to people but can easily do it to myself. My Saturday s are still the same, though special things can happen by an emotional explosion accident through the week!! J